One of the things I can't stand about myself (and this is not a short list) is that, despite all the goodness in my life - my lovely, well-employed wife, my two sweet and relatively trouble-free daughters, my two fine homes, many-o-friends, and a good/fun job, my focus automatically goes to what is wrong. Why is that?
I pray. I practice yoga. I meditate. I am polite. I read books on SNAG topics such as "loving-kindness". And yet no matter what I do, I cannot make myself a truly nice guy, one who does not naturally gravitate toward judgement and petulance. Don't get me wrong; I appear to be a genuinely nice guy but I'm not because naturally nice guys would never feel the way I do about things, especially silly things that really don't matter, like TV shows:
Why is that fat guy on Lost still so damn fat? Shouldn't he, after spending what seems like years on that not-so-deserted-after-all island, lose at least 75 pounds, becoming merely a chubby guy? Nope. Not him. He's still as big as a house and as weird and depressed as he was in the beginning of the show. Go figure.
Why doesn't Lucy from I Love Lucy (my wife's favorite show) ever learn from the many errors of her almost-always errant ways? Sure, it's funny but why does she not ever try to be better, having learned from her mistakes? It's this lack of development that prevents me from enjoying the show. Instead, I spend the entirety of the show judging her and getting mad at my lovely, well-employed wife for laughing whilst I stew and simmer in angst.
The smash-hit The Hills features a number of blond-haired chuckle-heads seeking careers in the glamorous world of fashion. That's fine - this is my wife's industry, too - but unlike my wife, these feckless dolts invite men into their lives that seem picked from the gutters of humanity. One of them (Spencer) is a U3: unhandsome, untalented and unworthy of love - a pathetic lout on a good day - yet for a time, he held one of this show's star's silly heart. As folks, including my wife, watch this show with bated breath, mine is held as I secretly (until now) plan his demise.
Why can't I simply take the best and leave the rest? The professional advice I get is to simply concentrate upon the good but I cannot. Good is not good if/when it's surrounded by bad; it gets sullied. Perhaps (I fool myself) it's altruistic; I merely want good for everyone including those people who I see on TV. The answer to date has been illusive but now, looking back, it's easy: stop watching TV with my wife. Now onto my other problems...
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